The Fear of Healing.
Over the past few months God has been using changes and transitions in my life to continue unearthing many painful truths and challenge me to unleash them.
Not too long ago, I posted a quote from a women's surfing book that I recently read; the author quoted a section from the writings of 'Conversations with God' which basically stated - "all human actions are driven at the deepest level by one of two emotions, fear or love." I was dumbfounded by the depth of this statement...and how evident this truth was in my life.
For as long as I can remember, all meaningful and important decisions in my life have been dictated by fear (on some level). 'What if I'm not good enough', 'what if I'm not cool enough', 'what if I look like a fool', 'what if I make a mistake', 'what if I fail', 'what if people laugh, or worse leave' are questions that have plagued my mind since as early as elementary school; as I have gotten older many of these questions have transformed into full-fledged statements - 'I'm not cool enough to do that or hang with them', 'I will definitely look foolish', 'I'm not pretty enough, or girl enough, or nice enough', 'you'll never be able to do that', or 'no one actually cares'. These crushing questions and statements have cloud my mind, and fill me with fears of everyone and everything. They have pushed me to operate, not based out of love for others, or sport, or nature, or God, but rather out of absolute fear of failure in any and all areas of life...for if I cannot be assured of 100% success I bow out. When I look back over the past 5, 10, 15 years...I am pained at what I have truly given up for the sake of fear. And not only have I pained myself, but others. My inability to choose love over fear has broken relationships, gifts, dreams, and hope.
For weeks God has brought forth example after example of my decisions, to the point at which I literally felt suffocated by my own dismay...and this weekend He offered me a solution. This wasn't some new or profound idea, rather it was the same simple and loving offer He has made so many times before. He asked, just as He asked the crippled beggar, 'do you want to be healed?'. The answer seems simple enough, right? Of course I want to be healed. I don't want to carry around all this pain, anger, and frustration. Of course I don't want my mind to drown in lies. Of course I want to be free from the hurt. But why is it so hard to simply say YES! What God offers me is not just a removal of fear, but the expectation of love. He has the power and authority of wipe out all that holds me back and restore all that I have destroyed, but not merely to make me feel good momentarily. He wants me to actually be healed. He wants me to experience true, authentic, divine love...and to live in it. Can it be...I am actually afraid of of being healed?!? So afraid of having all the hurt erased, the decisions redeemed, and life restored to what it was intended to be...simply because His hope is that I no longer live in fear?!? Afraid of not being afraid...
I read a devotional yesterday which offered that thought that Peter stepped out of the boat (to walk towards Jesus)in the storm driven by fear. And it was fear that caused him to lose focus and begin to sink. I wonder how different his walk to Jesus might have been had it been dictated by love. Absolute love for the Savior. I know, and believe moreso than anything else in this life, that I love Him and He loves me...therefore my motivation for anything is driven by said Divine Love, "for there is no fear in love, but God's perfect love drives out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment and the one who fears has not been made perfect in love (1 John 4:18)".
Fear is in me. It fills me with lies. It consumes my life. It holds my body in bondage and my spirit in chains. But He is greater than the fear in me, and His love is able to cast out all fear...if I merely say yes. And yes. And yes. You see, I am beginning to realize that healing is a process, in a couple of ways: (1) it typically takes time, and (2) it requires that we continue moving forward. That is, healing isn't only a magical moment that 'fixes' some part of us so that we can continue as we were. It is a process that makes us stronger, that pushes us farther, and causes us to change. This means, for me, fear isn't going to magically disappear forever from my being. But today, right now, I can act in courage as I live in and through God's love. Only God can rid my fears, but only I can ask. Only God can redeem my mistakes, but only I can offer them. Only God can bring healing, but only I can choose it.
Facing the reality of my mistakes in the past, and the challenges of wholeness in the future, is scary...but I don't want to live in the fears of healing. I want to bask in the glory and richness of love. I want the depths of my being and the fullness of my spirit to be so saturated with love that it pushes fear out. For I was not not created in the image of a fearful God, but of a loving God...and may my actions, my words, my desires, my beliefs, my standards, my pursuits, and even my thoughts, be a reflection of such a love.
Not too long ago, I posted a quote from a women's surfing book that I recently read; the author quoted a section from the writings of 'Conversations with God' which basically stated - "all human actions are driven at the deepest level by one of two emotions, fear or love." I was dumbfounded by the depth of this statement...and how evident this truth was in my life.
For as long as I can remember, all meaningful and important decisions in my life have been dictated by fear (on some level). 'What if I'm not good enough', 'what if I'm not cool enough', 'what if I look like a fool', 'what if I make a mistake', 'what if I fail', 'what if people laugh, or worse leave' are questions that have plagued my mind since as early as elementary school; as I have gotten older many of these questions have transformed into full-fledged statements - 'I'm not cool enough to do that or hang with them', 'I will definitely look foolish', 'I'm not pretty enough, or girl enough, or nice enough', 'you'll never be able to do that', or 'no one actually cares'. These crushing questions and statements have cloud my mind, and fill me with fears of everyone and everything. They have pushed me to operate, not based out of love for others, or sport, or nature, or God, but rather out of absolute fear of failure in any and all areas of life...for if I cannot be assured of 100% success I bow out. When I look back over the past 5, 10, 15 years...I am pained at what I have truly given up for the sake of fear. And not only have I pained myself, but others. My inability to choose love over fear has broken relationships, gifts, dreams, and hope.
For weeks God has brought forth example after example of my decisions, to the point at which I literally felt suffocated by my own dismay...and this weekend He offered me a solution. This wasn't some new or profound idea, rather it was the same simple and loving offer He has made so many times before. He asked, just as He asked the crippled beggar, 'do you want to be healed?'. The answer seems simple enough, right? Of course I want to be healed. I don't want to carry around all this pain, anger, and frustration. Of course I don't want my mind to drown in lies. Of course I want to be free from the hurt. But why is it so hard to simply say YES! What God offers me is not just a removal of fear, but the expectation of love. He has the power and authority of wipe out all that holds me back and restore all that I have destroyed, but not merely to make me feel good momentarily. He wants me to actually be healed. He wants me to experience true, authentic, divine love...and to live in it. Can it be...I am actually afraid of of being healed?!? So afraid of having all the hurt erased, the decisions redeemed, and life restored to what it was intended to be...simply because His hope is that I no longer live in fear?!? Afraid of not being afraid...
I read a devotional yesterday which offered that thought that Peter stepped out of the boat (to walk towards Jesus)in the storm driven by fear. And it was fear that caused him to lose focus and begin to sink. I wonder how different his walk to Jesus might have been had it been dictated by love. Absolute love for the Savior. I know, and believe moreso than anything else in this life, that I love Him and He loves me...therefore my motivation for anything is driven by said Divine Love, "for there is no fear in love, but God's perfect love drives out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment and the one who fears has not been made perfect in love (1 John 4:18)".
Fear is in me. It fills me with lies. It consumes my life. It holds my body in bondage and my spirit in chains. But He is greater than the fear in me, and His love is able to cast out all fear...if I merely say yes. And yes. And yes. You see, I am beginning to realize that healing is a process, in a couple of ways: (1) it typically takes time, and (2) it requires that we continue moving forward. That is, healing isn't only a magical moment that 'fixes' some part of us so that we can continue as we were. It is a process that makes us stronger, that pushes us farther, and causes us to change. This means, for me, fear isn't going to magically disappear forever from my being. But today, right now, I can act in courage as I live in and through God's love. Only God can rid my fears, but only I can ask. Only God can redeem my mistakes, but only I can offer them. Only God can bring healing, but only I can choose it.
Facing the reality of my mistakes in the past, and the challenges of wholeness in the future, is scary...but I don't want to live in the fears of healing. I want to bask in the glory and richness of love. I want the depths of my being and the fullness of my spirit to be so saturated with love that it pushes fear out. For I was not not created in the image of a fearful God, but of a loving God...and may my actions, my words, my desires, my beliefs, my standards, my pursuits, and even my thoughts, be a reflection of such a love.
Comments
I am in awe of this confession and this trial and this victory--I see all three at once as I read this journal entry of yours! How wonderful you are, a love of Christ.
He is in LOVE with you and it is obvious that you are in love with Him!!
The best thing is all these things are promised to you just like we are guaranteed the inheritance of the Holy Spirit, we have such a rich inheritance in Christ's glory. You are taken care of, its already taken care of dear friend!
xoxo B