Becoming My True Name

I have always hated my name.
That sounds harsh; it is. But it's also true.
I can remember criticizing my mom for the choice, and often declaring what would have been 'a better name' for me.
To this day, I am not entirely sure how she endured without ever making me feel guilty for the distasteful critique I repeatedly hurled at her throughout the years...but I am thankful for her wisdom and patience in my journey, despite my sometimes 'thorned' ignorance.

"What you call someone or something is powerful...[it] affects their ability to become who they were meant to be."

Born Jennifer Nicole, I hated being simply another 'Jennifer'...

Jennifer became the single most popular female name in the United States between 1970-1984...imagine how many of us there are out there! Case and point, even today, there are FOUR Jennifer's in my MSW program alone!

Anyways, I hated it for being ordinary. I hated it for being meaningless (though, it has never been to my mom). I hated it for being boring.
To me, there was no story to tell about my name, no history, no reason -- except that I was born at the finale of Jennifer's supremacy in the name kingdom, and my mom obviously lacked creativity (a cheap shot I threw at her often, but far from the truth). Today, I can say, it all is changing...slowly, painfully, and powerfully.

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. And watch your character, for it will become your destiny.
What we think, we become."

How sad, to walk through nearly 30 years of life holding your given name with so little regard.
I can't help but reflect on how abhorrence of one's given name can lead to so many other self-destructive thoughts.

It seems like a silly suggestion, that not liking your name can lead to not liking yourself. To some it probably seems far-fetched, or even little ridiculous. But think about how important names are to us...it's one of the first questions we want answered when we find out someone is pregnant or had a baby, it's what parents spend endless hours debating and pondering, we pass on names of those lost and loved onward, we give endearing nicknames to those we cherish, we want to hear our name at the start of a proposal or announced across the loudspeaker at a graduation, and we plead with bullies to stop calling us names that eat away at our spirit. Why; why are the names we are given, the names we create, and the names we assume so important??


Because our words have influential power. But our names have immeasurable power.

What we call ourselves, what others call us, has power, and influence; it has the ability to give life more abundant or empty our existence.

I didn't realize the depth of this truth until about three weeks ago. After months and months of careful and strategic digging, my therapist finally struck a goldmine (it didn't feel like it at the time, but I'd like to think the nuggets of truth we're finding make it a priceless analogy). I sat sobbing uncontrollably in my therapy session unable to muster words, let alone a phrase or full sentence, for almost 40 minutes, and when I finally forced legible sound forward, all that came out was 'I just don't like me, I've never liked me, I don't know why people like me, I don't like me, I don't like me' -- over and over, as if the poisonous words were being pumped for the well of my soul...get out, get out, get out!

You see, those words that described my name for so many years...well, they described me too.
They became who I was. I believed their meaning, and their power.

Jennifer is ordinary.
Jennifer is meaningless.
Jennifer is boring.
Jennifer has no story, no history, no reason to exist...

I am ordinary.
I am meaningless.
I am boring.
I have no story, no history, no reason to exist...

Over and over. The these names became my identity. These thoughts became words, that became actions, and habits, and the fabric of my character...and ultimately my destiny. They have been the weight that I have been crushed under for years, desperately trying to break free, to overcome, to disprove.
But what we think, we become.

So, with gentle help of my therapist, and Stasi Eldredge, and the gracious endurance of God, I was challenged to find out what my name really means and make new roots.

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new is here!"

-------------------------------------------------
Jennifer
From the Cornish name Guinevere; it means 'the white one' or 'the fair lady.' In Celtic, it is translated as 'white wave.'

When I think of white, I think of two things: (1) surrender and (2) purity.
In Roman times, a white stone meant acquittal from crime, it was a picture of innocence. I have known shame, and disgust, and hatred of myself for things I have done and things others have done to me...but I am reminded, by my name no less, that I am seen as untouched, without blemish, and beautifully refined.

And that my name would include the attribute of waves?!? Scientifically speaking, a wave is simply a transfer of energy. Bibically speaking, white has long been representative of overcoming, and victory. In John 16:33, Jesus says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you might have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart. I have overcome the world." In my name is the reminder, His reminder, all that Jesus is has been transferred to me, victoriously. I was created to overcome because He overcame.

-------------------------------------------------
Nicole
Derived from the name Nicholas, in Greek it means 'victory of the people.'
The latter half of the name in which Nicole is derived also means a rock or stone. Rock is a foundation, a tool, it reminds of something strong to build on or with. The necessary beginning of any victory.

Made famous by 4th century's Saint Nicholas, who is believed to have saved the daughters of a poor man from lives of prostitution. In Psalm 18, King David proclaims, "My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, He is my shield, my salvation, and my stronghold. He gives his king great victories, He shows His unfailing love to David and his descendants forever."

My name is a reminder that my victory is in my rock, my solid foundation. He is my rock and refuge, my salvation and stronghold; He gives me great victories forevermore. Thus, it is also a reminder that He created me to be a foundation on which He will build and bring victory.

-------------------------------------------------
For the past few weeks, I have been learning what my name means. And slowly these thoughts are beginning the process of becoming words, that will eventually become actions, and habits, and characteristics that will, in essence, become my destiny.

"In the midst of your day -- in the mess, the mundane, the glorious -- when you laugh and live well and when you don't, get into the habit of stopping and asking yourself, 'What am I thinking is true about myself?' Because it makes all the difference in the world."

What is your name? What is true about you? What do you think of yourself? When you win? When you lose? When you stand in front of the mirror? When you stand in front of people? Do you know what your name means? Do you know the life you were called to live? Have you embraced the power or destruction of your name(s).

Surely I had fully accepted the latter. But I am pushing, I am fighting, I am working to fully believe in the power of my name.

Whether my mom knew it or not, she named me well, and I'd like to claim it.


Jennifer is fair.
Jennifer is beautiful.
Jennifer is refined, redeemed, and made new.
Jennifer is a beacon of energy.
Jennifer is victorious.
Jennifer is solid and unwavering.


I am fair, and beautiful.
I am refined, redeemed, and made new.
I am a beacon of energy.
I am victorious.
I am solid and unwavering.


My name is Jennifer Nicole.
He knows, and always has, my true name.
What an amazing and beautiful thing.