Home Is...

Los Angeles, from Mt. Hollywood

"Where we love is home -- home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."

I initially began penning this entry as an apology, then reformatted it as explanation, and ultimately restructured it as an open letter intended to share more of the heart of my decision to stay in Los Angeles, as honestly and confidently as possible. It was very much a bittersweet letter to write, and will likely be received the same by some; nonetheless, I hope that at its conclusion you are able to see a picture far greater than than simply my choice of location.

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Exactly three years ago, I began a two month process of moving to Southern California, for reasons, to this day, I am still not entirely sure of. And while these last few years have been incredibly difficult, I am thankful that I made the move.

Not that I miss Northern California any less, or suddenly love Los Angeles any more, but because it was exactly what I didn't know that I deeply needed.

At this point, it would be easy to say my time down here is not yet finished, or that I am working on many things, or even that this chapter is not finished, but I think there is so much more to it than that. And if you’re taking the time to read this, well than I am going to do my best to share what exactly I really mean by that.

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If I'm honest...I think I've known all along that I would not be headed back up North after school finished, I simply couldn't bring myself to give credence to the thought. How could I possibly choose So-Cal over Nor-Cal?!? Was I crazy?!? Had I ingested too much smog?!? I mean, what was I thinking?!? What would my friends think?!?

I tried making lists to prove that staying was a bad idea; they'd usually go something like this:

Reasons to Live in So-Cal

Beach (and lifeguards)

Close to Cheaper Flights at LAX

Crash Pad for Friends Visiting from Nor-Cal
An Hour Closer to the Krumheuers

Good People

Good Food

Reasons to Live in Nor-Cal

Tree Lined Streets

Back Country Roads

Bike Lanes

Clean Air

UC DAVIS

Rivers and Lakes, Like Nowhere Else

Mountains, Like Nowhere Else

The City

Napa Valley

Tahoe
Apple Hill

Ability to Buy a Home

Lower Cost of Living

Best Athletic Teams in the State

Happier Cows, and People

Less Traffic

Cheaper Gas

Lots of Trees

Every Mile a Memory, Literally

The People I Love

When the lists didn't work, I tried to rationalize material and financial gains per locale, but those have never been important to me. Then, I tried to think about how much I miss people and places up North, but soon realized that there would be so many places and people that I'd miss if I left here too. It really didn't matter how hard I tried, or how many different ways I looked at it...the decision wasn't going to be painless. It wasn't going to be without loss.

Even more trying, I was dumbfounded that it had become a decision. I was simply stunned that the idea of staying was even remotely an option. It just seemed paralyzing...trying to figure it all out. And I felt that surely it was not a choice I could make.

I wanted God to make it for me. Or my job. Or my friends.
I wanted a reason.
A reason to stay or go.
A reason that made each place right or wrong.

Then, one night last week, I was staring blankly at my computer when the background screenshot came fully came into focus.

"Beautiful girl, you can do hard things."

I can honestly say it was like God talking me. And my supervisors. And my friends. And my past, my present, and my future.

I could do hard things.
I could make hard decisions.

Maybe there was no right or wrong answer.
And that either decision would be hard.

But, I could do hard things.
And, I could make hard decisions.


So, sitting atop Mt. Hollywood, staring across the expanse of Los Angeles, as far as the eye could see in any direction, wrestling with this decision, I came across (yet another) quote from John Eldredge's ‘Desire’…

"Life is now a battle and a journey. We must fight the forces that oppose our becoming whole, we must find our way through difficult and unfamiliar territory to our true home."

I realized the answer I was looking for was embedded in his words, and had actually been with me all along; I simply had to find it.

My life is a battle and a journey, there is no negotiating either of these truths. Resistance is futile, and avoidance is costly. I have come to a place in my life in which I am ready to fight…for a lot of things, in ways that I was unwilling, unready, or incapable of previously. I want to be made whole, I want to be well, and I want to be better. And I want to take the steps necessary to move towards that. For each step is one towards my truest self, and my truest home; neither of which will be found here on Earth, but are made all the richer by the choices I am making here and now.

To be more candid, I think that this is a season of growing, and healing, and fighting. It is a time to be stretched by uncertainty and the unfamiliar. It is a time to lean into all that is difficult and painful. It is a time to face the things that I think I cannot. It is time to unearth the treasures and debt within my soul. It is a time to fan the flame of love and faith. It is a time to surrender. It is a time to embrace the unknown. It is a time to relinquish control. It is a time to face fears. It is a time to be relentless. And it is a time to stay.

There are many good and wonderful things in Northern California (that I miss, and love), but I realize it is not a place outside of me that I should be moving towards. Instead I want to move towards the good and wonderful that lasts for eternity; I want to move towards wholeness, in body, and mind, and spirit. I want to move towards the fierceness of God’s love, for me, and this world. And I firmly believe that Southern California is still offering me something necessary, in all my battles, and in my personal journey...a place which is scary, stretching, and wildly uncomfortable at times, but equally revitalizing.

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are one in the same."

This decision was hard, but I am at peace that it is the right one, or the best one at this time. And while it may be surprising to many of you, I hope you're able to appreciate the strength, courage, and heart that it took to make the decision. I have felt so much love across this state, and there aren't words powerful enough to express the love and gratitude which I wish to reciprocate. So I will simply say, thank you, and much love. All that I would ask of you now, is...

• When things get heavy and rough, and they will; when I am surrounded by Dodgers fans gloating over the fact that they lead the NL West by __ games (whatever), or am forced to occupy a cubicle across from one enshroud with USC memorabilia, I would ask that you avoid the temptation to remind me that this is exactly what I asked for…but that you would gently remind me that I can do hard things.

• If you are the praying type, then I ask for your prayers. Not simply for me, but for my classmates as well…as we all make decisions. The need here for social workers is great; and a heavy burden to bear. Pray for the jobs we will enter into and the work we will do; pray that we never lose sight of why we chose social work and that we never lose hope. And pray for the families we will serve, and the communities we will assist. Every one of us is on a journey, and battling something, may your prayers be that all are towards a needed wholeness.

• Lastly, if you’re in Nor-Cal…come visit. My place is small, but always open to you. I’m not going to lie, it’s crazy here…but there is good even in the crazy, and I would love to share it with you. If you’re here in So-Cal, take a road-trip…or better yet, let me take you on a road-trip….up North. You’ll just never understand until you do…and I guarantee, it’ll worth it.

< 3
 Love, and ice cream cones.