PRIDE

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"Pride must die; or nothing of heaven can live in you."
                                                                                                  --Andrew Murray



I have a problem with pride.

For so long, I've swallowed its false promises.
But like a poorly prescribed medication, it has poisoned my life.


I've always thought of pride in terms of vanity, conceit, or arrogance.
Not really attributes that I tend to associate with myself.

But I was stung by the reality that pride can express itself in more subtle tones.
Like small weeds, which may remain relatively unseen to those who pass by, they nonetheless, day by day, absorb all that is necessary for life from the soil until the plant ceases to exist.

Pride is forged in moments of suffering as simply as it is in moments of success.
Pain, rejection, betrayal, hurt, abandonment, and isolation are the nails that secure its coffin.

Pride replaces grace and mercy, and life is left insatiable.
Nothing will ever truly be enough.

I keep filling and filling my days, with good things, but nothing satisfies.
And in frustration, in bitterness, in utter desperation....pride is what I cling to, and the sinking sand on which I attempt to build a foundation.

I know...better.
I deserve....better.
I earned....more.
I am entitled...to more.


When your heart has been ravaged, your soul assaulted....it is easy to push the world out.
It becomes natural to push people away.

The independence you claim in life becomes thwarted by insecurity.

You need nothing.
You need no one.
You can do it....all.

This is pride too.


"....apart from me you can do nothing."
                                                                                -- John 15:5

I've spent a good portion of my life in futile defiance of this God-sized reminder.

I don't want to need God.
But I do.

And it is here, that I feel the pull of pride.
Its thick roots entrenched so deeply in my life.


Back in May, I made the decision to stay in Los Angeles because I knew there were a good many things that needed to be worked on and through in my life....never would I have guessed that pride would be on the list, let alone at the top. In that earlier post, I shared that "it is time to unearth the treasures and debt within my soul."

I realize that much of my soul's debt is on account of my pride.
And the precious treasures, I believe they can only be found in the midst of humility.

For months, I could not sing this song -- I couldn't stomach the words, I didn't genuinely believe them.
Today, it reminds me of what my pride keeps me from and what humility offers me.



A life humbled, is a life restored.
A life humbled, is a life satisfied.
A life humbled, is a life of abundance.
A life humbled, is a good, good life.

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