Straight Renegadin'

"The difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons and gives you a test. Life tests you and gives you lesson."

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My life update summed up...lessons and tests, now followed by tests and lessons.

I may have graduated nearly ten months ago, but I feel like the homework, group projects, and mid-terms never ended; now they're just referred to as contacts, unit meetings, and court reports. I thought being a graduate student while working full-time stretched every fiber of my being farther than ever before, but, I may have been wrong. Life, which is predominately work at any given moment of the week, seems to be an endless classroom that is as exhilarating as it is exhausting.

A life that is, as I have decided to call it:

STRAIGHT RENEGADIN

def // a renegade is simply someone who behaves in a rebelliously unconventional manner

I like this word. More like love it, actually. And the definition. And when X-Ambassadors crowns it with melody and creates a battle cry for truly living.

Historically, I have been rebellious for all the wrong reasons. And it's funny how things we like or love often evolve in ways we never expected...for me, life as a renegade has always been about escaping. Wilderness, landscapes, adventures, mountains, deserts, back country roads, winding trails, jagged oceanic cliffs...life lived in sleeping bags or swim suits; hiking shoes or bare feet. Being a renegade was about breaking free of a life defined by degrees and job titles, Facebook statuses and Instagram likes, masked feelings and buried realities....a life often dictated by monotonous routine and obscure societal expectations.

But I have found over the last several months, the rebellion must first begin within. A rebellion against fear, bitterness, resentment, hatred, avoidance, and anger. A rebellion that doesn't run from but stand up to. A rebellion etching a rebel with a cause, and a purpose, and a journey; mine includes....

SOCIAL WORK

Last week marked seven months officially on the job as a child protective social worker for San Bernardino County, and my official transfer out of the training unit. I still have three more months as a probationary employee, but it feels like a monumental step to take the first week of March, given it's Social Work Appreciation Month.

Being a social worker is everything I dreamed and nothing I ever imagined all at the same time. It's a blessing and a burden. It's a summer storm that is both breathtaking and terrifying. I have learned I can do everything I am supposed to and still make everyone upset. I have learned there are no right answers, just decisions. I have also learned, while there might be no right answer, there are a lot of seemingly wrong ones.

I can't even begin to describe what it feels like to hear the cries of a child you just took from their family, or to tell a mom or dad you will be recommending their rights as a parent will be terminated and their children be adopted.
Neither could I clearly articulate the pure joy that is felt when a child gets to see their grandparents for the first time since removal, or the immense pride experienced when a parent completes their case plan and presents it to the court.

The job has been quite the experiential journey that continues to teach patience, humility, and perseverance. It also has taught me to view hope as tool, not merely a positive attitude or character attribute. And surely, I am learning to hope for my kids and their families.



INLAND EMPIRE LIVING

A month after accepting employment with San Bernardino County, I packed up my little beach apartment and moved back to the first place I ever called home. What started off as a temporary relocation turned into a new residence. And it hasn't been without challenge...sure, it's nice rolling out of bed late and being right down the street from my office, and paying substantially less rent; but it's hard being so far from my friends, it sucks driving over two hours every day to train or go to community group, and it bites not being able to sink my toes in the sandy shores of the Pacific on a daily basis.

Nonetheless, living and working in San Bernardino County has brought me face to face with people, and memories, and places that I never thought I could face. Despite having spent the entire first half of my life in this community, it is unbearably uncertain and unfamiliar at times, and I often feel as though I am spiraling out of control. But it is here that I am growing, ever so slowly. I am healing, tiny piece by tiny piece. And I am fighting, one day at a time. I am learning to trust people, and forgive, and ask to be forgiven; I am learning to accept my limits and shortcomings, and stop being so hard on myself. I am realizing that the one place I ran away from, was the one place I needed to be.

And, probably most importantly, I got a pretty cool roommate out of the deal...

Brother Bear // Circa 2002

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"So long live the pioneers, rebels, and mutineers,
Go forth and have no fear;
All hail the underdogs, all hail the new kids, all hail the outlaws;
It's our time to make a move, it's our time to make amends, it's our time to break the rules,
Living like we're renegades...."

Ultimately, as I walk [and drive long distances for] this part of my journey, I recognize it is nothing that I expected...but everything needed to grow a little, heal a lot, and start facing the fight. I'd say it's been a divine intervention amidst the turmoil, reminding me to move (take steps of faith), make amends (forgive and ask forgiveness), break the rules (consider what really matters), and live like a renegade (a conqueror of fears and fallacies).

Now, here's to all the rebels out there straight renegadin'...may you, too, go forth with no fear; move, make amends, break rules, and live today.

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PS - I would like to say THANK YOU...to those who have walked with me over the last several months; to those who give me love, support, encouragement, who fill my belly and give me a place to lay my head, who encourage me to keep showing up and keep making the drive, who push me, challenge me, hug me, laugh with me, cry with me, pray for me, and my kids, who forgive me for being the worst text-returning in the history of humankind, and who make the hard moments bearable and the good ones so much more special. XOXOXO.