my cancer.
I have come to quite a stark revelation in this past week, as I my emotions, attitude, and outlook, went from soaringly high to Earth-shattering plummet. As I drug myself through the last days of the this week, I realized that my old lifestyle of self-absorbed thinking and living had returned.
My sin was back. And my sin is my cancer.
While I have never suffered personally from any biological form of cancer, leukemia, or the like, I have known many who have fought, suffered, struggled, survived, or died from the disease. I in no way want to make light of those who are (or who know those) physically affected, nor lead people to believe that cancer is caused by or because of one's sin. Rather, I would like to allow their struggle, defeat, success, and courage to act as an analogy, helping me understand a lifelong battle with my cancer, sin.
When I think of cancer, I imagine an evil that is within attacking the very life of a person. Each day is a battle to survive...tests, treatments, loss, pain...all while attempting to stay positive, fight strong, and live life fully. Even in remission, the reminder of relapse is ever-present; the reminder may get smaller as time marches on, but it is still there.
I find my life of sin very much the same at times. There is an evil so hidden, so embedded and ingrained, within me; it seeks to destroy all that is good, all that I was created to be. Each day is a battle...filled with tests and temptations and decisions that dictate my mood, my thoughts, my actions, my life. There are some days that I am filled with hope overflowing...I feel vibrantly alive and excited for life. I think of all I have accomplished, all I have been blessed with, and all the adventures to come, and I am jazzed with life. There are other days I awake and feel nothing but weight; there are times when I feel so heavy with self-hatred, disappointment, and regret that I am literally depleted of life...I crawl in bed and sleep, completely disengaged from the world of pain, suffering, and burden, that seems to be all around me.
As a follower of Christ, I consider my sin in remission. My faith in the Father has removed all cancerous activity from my life. But still, each day, there is no guarantee that I will not relapse...falling back into the ways, ideas, and struggles of before.
Building 429 wrote a song that shared, "all I know is that I am not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong." It was such a helpful reminder during this time of revelation...my life on Earth will be a cancerous battle. Some days will be joyfully good, and some painfully bad. There will be moments of hopeful recovery, and moments of fearful relapse. These are truths that I cannot hide from...but I can find solace in knowing that I am not alone. There are millions of brothers and sisters around the world that walk with me and fight alongside of me. And most importantly, I have a heavenly Doctor who is always caring for me; both yesterday, today, and each tomorrow until I get home to where I truly belong.
My sin was back. And my sin is my cancer.
While I have never suffered personally from any biological form of cancer, leukemia, or the like, I have known many who have fought, suffered, struggled, survived, or died from the disease. I in no way want to make light of those who are (or who know those) physically affected, nor lead people to believe that cancer is caused by or because of one's sin. Rather, I would like to allow their struggle, defeat, success, and courage to act as an analogy, helping me understand a lifelong battle with my cancer, sin.
When I think of cancer, I imagine an evil that is within attacking the very life of a person. Each day is a battle to survive...tests, treatments, loss, pain...all while attempting to stay positive, fight strong, and live life fully. Even in remission, the reminder of relapse is ever-present; the reminder may get smaller as time marches on, but it is still there.
I find my life of sin very much the same at times. There is an evil so hidden, so embedded and ingrained, within me; it seeks to destroy all that is good, all that I was created to be. Each day is a battle...filled with tests and temptations and decisions that dictate my mood, my thoughts, my actions, my life. There are some days that I am filled with hope overflowing...I feel vibrantly alive and excited for life. I think of all I have accomplished, all I have been blessed with, and all the adventures to come, and I am jazzed with life. There are other days I awake and feel nothing but weight; there are times when I feel so heavy with self-hatred, disappointment, and regret that I am literally depleted of life...I crawl in bed and sleep, completely disengaged from the world of pain, suffering, and burden, that seems to be all around me.
As a follower of Christ, I consider my sin in remission. My faith in the Father has removed all cancerous activity from my life. But still, each day, there is no guarantee that I will not relapse...falling back into the ways, ideas, and struggles of before.
Building 429 wrote a song that shared, "all I know is that I am not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong." It was such a helpful reminder during this time of revelation...my life on Earth will be a cancerous battle. Some days will be joyfully good, and some painfully bad. There will be moments of hopeful recovery, and moments of fearful relapse. These are truths that I cannot hide from...but I can find solace in knowing that I am not alone. There are millions of brothers and sisters around the world that walk with me and fight alongside of me. And most importantly, I have a heavenly Doctor who is always caring for me; both yesterday, today, and each tomorrow until I get home to where I truly belong.
Comments