unraveled
the past few weeks have been both a beautiful and painful process, much like time spent in the yard, god has been gardening the landscape of my life. and while it makes for a healthier, more magnificent place...it is tediously tiresome, and just (sometimes) downright hurts.
earlier this week, i listened to a sermon on forgiveness followed by one on grace. enter my anger. followed by frustration. and almighty pride.
the speaker, peter tebow, stated, "it was my sin that killed jesus when it was placed on his perfect body to endure the wrath of god...in the moment that god turned his back on jesus, his only company was my sin and the wrath that followed." he later stated, "i don't understand this love...i am not that valuable, i am not that beautiful, i am not a great creation, i am inherently invaluable." now peter tebow may be able to openly admit his lack of value, but i surely cannot. i want to do everything in my power to be valued, it is an innate drive i have and yearn to fulfill. i guess this has been an lifelong pill i have yet to swallow wholly...i'm like the child that doddles trying to avoid the inevitable truth that in order to get better i have to accept that i am sick and take the medicine. and i defend: but i am a good person. i work hard. i care about people. i don't want to look at myself as invaluable, as in need of a savior. my whole life i have been told directly and indirectly i lack said value...there is no way that i am going to believe and accept that i am a bad person who is inherently invaluable. i cannot really register the idea that i am so horrible, and so in need of grace, that someone needed to die for me. even at this very moment i struggle to wrap my mind fully around grace...not because i lack the intelligence to understand webster's definition, but rather because in order to accept grace, to experience grace, to know grace...i must admit i am wrong.
but instead, i try to do better. i can be more like jesus. i can be nicer, kinder, more others oriented...you know, all the 'christy' things. enter moment of truth thanks to my bible study, "when god works, he accomplishes things only he can do. he always gives god-sized assignments, so that his people and the world around them experience an encounter with him." so basically, i can try anything i want but it will always and only be of human significance. it will never attain the accomplishments or goodness that god can deliver. enter next truth as shared by peter, "if you do not forgive others, god will not forgive you; by forgiving others, you release them from their debt in which they owe you nothing and no more." and it hits me...while my pain, hurt, and bitterness are very real, they are also very really keeping me from a true encounter from god. while i would like to believe i am good person because i try to do good things...god says that i forgave you before you even acted to sin or thought to ask forgiveness, for everything. how good can you possibly be if you have been forgiven so much, and cannot forgive, much less entrust me with your hurts, pains, and bitterness?
while in reflection during bible study, i noted the following: "by doing what i continue to do, i am actually stagnating what could actually be done and preventing myself and others from an encounter with the living god." i don't doubt that god is trying to help me grasp the simple truth that i need not TRY to do what has already been FINISHED. my crashing attempts merely act as continuing reminder that i in fact cannot do what has already been done, nor can i change the fact that i sin. and rather than trying to make it right through my good works, i can accept what has been made right through his completed work.
i have been overwhelmed with strife the last couple years trying to determine what to do with my life, where to go, what god's will is...etc, etc. and i think this passage (from praying the names of jesus) sums it up quite well, "no wonder jesus liked hanging out with sinners, there are no other kinds of people to associate with. but as the parable (of the lost sheep) implies, jesus can/will do little for the strong and self-righteous who don't even know they are lost. it is the poor, the weak, the addicted, the troubled, and the fractured people-those who have an inkling of how off course their lives have become who are the most responsive to his grace." these are words i identify with...i am broken, i am addicted, i am fractured, i am troubled, but i want to put on a strong face and endure. to prove i am worthy of value. but the fact remains that i am still all of those things below the facade. and what god really wants is to actually make me strong (through my weakness), by wiping all those things away...i don't have to figure out how to fix them, clean them up, make them right all by myself; he says 'they have already been bought and paid for, just give them to me.'
i want experience the depth of god's forgiveness (and all the truth, grace, and life that comes with this experience). but i cannot until i forgive. and i cannot forgive without believing god can through me.
"i believe, but help me with my unbelief" --mark 9:24
earlier this week, i listened to a sermon on forgiveness followed by one on grace. enter my anger. followed by frustration. and almighty pride.
the speaker, peter tebow, stated, "it was my sin that killed jesus when it was placed on his perfect body to endure the wrath of god...in the moment that god turned his back on jesus, his only company was my sin and the wrath that followed." he later stated, "i don't understand this love...i am not that valuable, i am not that beautiful, i am not a great creation, i am inherently invaluable." now peter tebow may be able to openly admit his lack of value, but i surely cannot. i want to do everything in my power to be valued, it is an innate drive i have and yearn to fulfill. i guess this has been an lifelong pill i have yet to swallow wholly...i'm like the child that doddles trying to avoid the inevitable truth that in order to get better i have to accept that i am sick and take the medicine. and i defend: but i am a good person. i work hard. i care about people. i don't want to look at myself as invaluable, as in need of a savior. my whole life i have been told directly and indirectly i lack said value...there is no way that i am going to believe and accept that i am a bad person who is inherently invaluable. i cannot really register the idea that i am so horrible, and so in need of grace, that someone needed to die for me. even at this very moment i struggle to wrap my mind fully around grace...not because i lack the intelligence to understand webster's definition, but rather because in order to accept grace, to experience grace, to know grace...i must admit i am wrong.
but instead, i try to do better. i can be more like jesus. i can be nicer, kinder, more others oriented...you know, all the 'christy' things. enter moment of truth thanks to my bible study, "when god works, he accomplishes things only he can do. he always gives god-sized assignments, so that his people and the world around them experience an encounter with him." so basically, i can try anything i want but it will always and only be of human significance. it will never attain the accomplishments or goodness that god can deliver. enter next truth as shared by peter, "if you do not forgive others, god will not forgive you; by forgiving others, you release them from their debt in which they owe you nothing and no more." and it hits me...while my pain, hurt, and bitterness are very real, they are also very really keeping me from a true encounter from god. while i would like to believe i am good person because i try to do good things...god says that i forgave you before you even acted to sin or thought to ask forgiveness, for everything. how good can you possibly be if you have been forgiven so much, and cannot forgive, much less entrust me with your hurts, pains, and bitterness?
while in reflection during bible study, i noted the following: "by doing what i continue to do, i am actually stagnating what could actually be done and preventing myself and others from an encounter with the living god." i don't doubt that god is trying to help me grasp the simple truth that i need not TRY to do what has already been FINISHED. my crashing attempts merely act as continuing reminder that i in fact cannot do what has already been done, nor can i change the fact that i sin. and rather than trying to make it right through my good works, i can accept what has been made right through his completed work.
i have been overwhelmed with strife the last couple years trying to determine what to do with my life, where to go, what god's will is...etc, etc. and i think this passage (from praying the names of jesus) sums it up quite well, "no wonder jesus liked hanging out with sinners, there are no other kinds of people to associate with. but as the parable (of the lost sheep) implies, jesus can/will do little for the strong and self-righteous who don't even know they are lost. it is the poor, the weak, the addicted, the troubled, and the fractured people-those who have an inkling of how off course their lives have become who are the most responsive to his grace." these are words i identify with...i am broken, i am addicted, i am fractured, i am troubled, but i want to put on a strong face and endure. to prove i am worthy of value. but the fact remains that i am still all of those things below the facade. and what god really wants is to actually make me strong (through my weakness), by wiping all those things away...i don't have to figure out how to fix them, clean them up, make them right all by myself; he says 'they have already been bought and paid for, just give them to me.'
i want experience the depth of god's forgiveness (and all the truth, grace, and life that comes with this experience). but i cannot until i forgive. and i cannot forgive without believing god can through me.
"i believe, but help me with my unbelief" --mark 9:24
Comments