The Space In Between

New Year's was truly a party here in Nashville, that left me with a numbing hangover for the days that followed. Not the literal drunken kind, but the figurative lost and hurting kind. The kind that leaves you clinging to life while flattened on the floor and google searching 'feel better remedies.' Not exactly the ideal start to a new year.

I enter 2018 with so many things to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. Just three months ago, I sold the majority of my belongings and packed my bags for a new adventure. It was honestly one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life -- it felt very adult, but also so wild. I've had incredible friends who have supported me every step of the way, and provision for literally everything I have needed along the way. It even included an invite to a New Year's Eve party with the most epic view of the Nashville skyline, followed by a trip downtown to celebrate the countdown with Keith Urban.

Then came that hangover the next morning. The moment I woke up on January 1st and was consumed with this unshakable unhappiness. This was supposed to be a time of renewed vision and reflection, of excitement and rejoicing, and of hope and gratitude. And I had seemingly had none. I opened my planner, in which I had scripted goals at the start of 2017, to which thoughts of disappointment and shame engulfed me. I became fixated on what had not been accomplished, what I hadn't completed, and how far I seemed to have fallen from being successful.

It started to feel like no matter how hard I try, where I go, or what I do, I can't seem to get my life to fit into a neat little box. I can't seem to figure out where I belong. I keep looking at all these prescribed possibilities.... 

California, Tennessee, government, corporate, non-profit, single, married, childless, parent, subordinate, supervisor, promoted, renter, homeowner, degreed, licensed, awarded, published, etc, etc.

All these "boxes" so neatly defined that offered structure and identity. All these boxes that look so appealing from the outside. All these boxes to choose from and I just can't figure out which one I will fit in, or can climb into. Which one to invest time and energy, strength and determination getting into and it's so irritating. But also, why the hell am I trying to climb into these boxes?!? I, like so many other people in this day and age, have spent years trying to break down the walls that create comfortable barriers to real living. Those boxes offer a illusion of significance and belonging, but are merely the hollow compartments where passion for life wastes away.

Outside of the boxes, the space in between, is scary; even overwhelming at times. It is unlabeled space and it feels a lot like being lost. It is undefined, unmarked, and unwritten. It is constant and indefinite uncharted territory. But it is absolute freedom.

This is where I stand. The foreign land of the space in between all the boxes I so desperately want my life to fit neatly into. I believe this year will be a battle...to live freely and courageously in the space of infinite possibilities, or to seek refuge in the boxes that bring comfort and prescribed identity. I think, inside all of us, there is yearning for life outside the labels and definitions. But being outside of our socially constructed boxes feels lot like free-falling -- a flood of emotions, a surge of adrenaline, and not knowing whether to scream with glee or absolute terror.

As I've slowly sobered over the last week and a half, I have come to the conclusion that the boxes can hold me securely but will keep me from abundant life. So this year I long to explore this wide-open and unlimited space in between. I will work to be brave, try new things, go after forgotten dreams, and finally start using the section of my planner titled 'space of infinite possibility.' 

I invite you to join me. What will you find in the space in between?